Cooper Green

Fictionary

I just did a quick check, and I have used every single word in the English language at least once. The magic moment occurred on Monday when my wife suggested that our watching hockey playoffs might be less important than, say, doing something else, and I correctly assessed her assessment as being dehortatory.

We might have watched a Canadiens playoff victory together, had

they not lost, but the point is that her dehortatory position was clearly dehortatory, and it behooved me to identify it as

being dehortatory.

(bonus: if you say 'dehortatory' often enough, unpleasant stuff gets dislodged from your throat. It seems that saying 'dehortatory' has a cleansing effect that isn't mentioned in the dictionary. Dehortatory. There, something else just came up.)

Back to the point. Now that we (and I say 'we' because you are in my thoughts daily) are out of words, we must invent some new ones. Don't try to dehortatize us out of it. We will start with a couple of words that have somehow been overlooked by the likes of Noah Webster, an overrated crossword puzzle solver who probably should have kept his telemarketing job.

blogey - Tiger Woods, taking one stroke too many.

Cinco de Mayonnaise - a Kraft marketing promotion that rewards you for buying more jars of sandwich spread than you could possibly use.

gorillagarious - enjoying the company of bloggers, evangelists, chimpanzees and other members of the Hominidae family, but especially silverbacks.

grossundheit - the stuff on your hand after you sneeze.

hamnesia - ordering dinner in a restaurant, and failing to remember that it contains food that your religion forbids.

percolooter - someone who steals coffee from work to use at home.

Santa closet - a small room full of red suits.

spibble - salivary emissions that spread over the front of your jacket during your trip home from the dentist.

teflawn - that part of the yard where the long grass just springs up again, no matter how many times you run the mower over it.

vamooch - someone who borrows money from you, and is never seen again.

Waltzheimer's - your paper-thin excuse for not getting up to dance.

And for the rest of you hockey fans, Dave of Dave Mows Grass contributes this insightful gem of Maple Leafs trivia:
betrade - What you feel when the Leafs trade their next two first-round picks for Phil Kessel and then finish 29th.

There, we're marginally more literate already. Click the comment thing and toss in your own word, or email it to us at coopergreen@canada.com. We'll add it to the list. We know we want to.