Cooper Green: I bet Hell is open.

Edit your dreams, and stop being such a twit.
You're probably tired of dreaming about being all buff and sexy, and being entwined in the body parts of some well-tanned, lissome Scandinavian honeypot who just can't get enough of you, then waking up in the morning as the same old pudgy petstore janitor that you were when you went to bed, and your cocker spaniel is gasping for air. We feel your pain, Sport. You need a new life. Not new, exactly, just one that doesn't end when you wake up. We have drugs that do that for you. Mention "cocker spaniel" when you reply to this ad, and we'll even revive your dog.
www.endlesshoneypot.com

Take control of your nose.
In today's cosmopolitan society, it's possible that you may have a little bit of Lebanese or similar Mediterranean DNA that has found its way to your face, and you are the owner of a sizeable honker. If you're not sure, take this test: hop onto a crowded bus or subway car, and take a quick, deep breath through your nose. Are the other passengers grabbing their ears, or trying to relieve the pressure change by yawning or chewing gum? If so, then your nose might be XXL or larger. You need to take control of that monster puppy, and we can help! Call us day or night, and we'll arrange to meet you outdoors in a well ventilated area. Ask about our wrought iron piercings!
www.xxlnose.com

Express yourself through your pants!
Most people don't take their pants very seriously, and that's a shame. Because a good pair of expressive pants can get you a job, make your lap feel nice ... and maybe even help to prevent a nasty sunburn. We've all been in that job interview where the Human Resources Manager steals a quick glance at your lap, then quickly writes something on her clipboard. Think that's an estimate? No way! She's scoring your pants! And you'd better have some presentable trousers on your legs, or you could cost yourself a job. Act now! Phone for your free copy of "Pants: Next To Brains And Hearts, They Are Your Most Important Organ".
www.pants.com

Volcano Cooking: the next hot food thing!
You might think those folks in Iceland and Indonesia are a bit steamed about all those volcanoes blowing up in their back yards, but think again! The hottest new cuisine being served up in the world's most fashionable restaurants is Lava Blackened Cattle. It started with Icelandic sheep getting too close to the crater, but now tasty exotic beasts are being lured up there by Iron Chefs and TV cooking show hosts. The lava produces an even, intense heat that sears and flash cooks, trapping the subtle flavours of delicate meat dishes. If you live on a fault line, give us a call! We'll show you how to tap away at the earth's crust until sizzling hot lava is flowing into your very own kitchen! Be the first on the block!
www.vesuvius.com

Get elected whenever you feel like it!
The trouble with politics is that it's only fun once, and that's the day you are elected. Every other day, it's just a job. So, why not make it fun more often? HangingChad can be bribed, and if you come up with the right deal, they will come up with some bizarre reason for a byelection, and then they will make sure you get re-elected! It means a fresh set of promises so the old ones can be buried and forgotten. You can even draw up a new Enemies list! Don't worry about the celebration, because your bribe includes lots of confetti and balloons, plus speeches by tons of new friends who can hardly wait for the windfall coming their way. Lobby us today!
www.hangingchad.com

Lazy Pete's Drive Thru Hotel is open for business!
You work hard and deserve a holiday, but sometimes going on vacation can be more work than staying home. But not at Lazy Pete's! When you plan your next exotic Sun 'n Fun Resort destination, be sure to include Lazy Pete's, where you never have to leave your car!. Pull into our roomy Drive Thru single or double garage suites, and let our staff pamper you with meals on trays that hook onto your window wells We'll hose you down when it's bathtime, and give you a complimentary pillow at naptime. It's just like being on a plane! And when it's time to catch a few rays at the beach, we'll tow you to the high tide line and open your car windows. It's almost like having actual fun!
www.lazypetes.com

Boost your monthly income with PetRent!
Let's face it, Fido and Fluffy have it pretty soft. They eat your food, wreck your furniture, offload unspeakable substances onto your manicured lawn, and do it all in return for free meals and a comfortable place to sleep. Isn't it time they carried some of the weight themselves? With the threat of a few missed meals or a night in the yard during a rainstorm, your pet will quickly understand what's required. Next time you walk your dog, take him by some of the better homes and show him some of the things that would look good in your own carport: a lawnmower here, a bird feeder there ... it all adds up. Ask us how it's done!
www.petrent.com

Your Smart Car needs a light bar.
One of the advantages of driving a little car that looks like a hacky sack is that nobody will ever believe you are a ghost car, one of those sneaky cops who hang around playgrounds and limited turn lanes just waiting to write a ticket. But with one of our irritating, epileptic-maker light bars on your roof, they'll change their minds in a hurry. Sure, you're not a real cop. You don't even have a siren. But you've been putting up with scorn and derision long enough, what with people picking up your car when you're stopped in traffic and tossing you on the lawn, and now it's time for you to get a little respect. Comes with a set of 4 monster truck tires.
www.pullover.com

Stop worrying about all that incriminating evidence!
We've all got a few skeletons in our closet, and the last thing you need is those pictures of you at the staff picnic with the Office Manager and the mayonnaise showing up on the internet. Got any old passports under someone else's name? What about that marriage certificate that your second wife doesn't know about? We're the Down & Doherty Funeral Home, and every day we bury things that will never see the light of day again. There's always room for a little more in those big plush caskets, so give us a call and we'll get those busybody detectives off your back forever!
www.downanddoherty.com

Foil those homework thieves!
Homework is difficult enough without some grade five cheater coming in and scooping your Fall science project. You don't have to put up with any more of that crap, because Homework Terrorists will review your homework once it's done, then add a bunch of obscene quotes in Latvian, or naked pictures of your teacher before you hand it in. Then that sneaky grade fiver who steals your stuff and adds his own name is going to have some 'splainin' to do. Meantime, Homework Terrorists will courier your pristine copy directly to your teacher before grading starts. Couldn't be simpler!
www.homeworkterrorists.com

Mix-n-Match pets.
You like owning a pet that loves to chase a stick and go frolicking in the ocean, but one that doesn't brush all the glassware off the coffee table when he wags his tail. Why not replace that tailwag with a nice soothing purr? We'll crossbreed your favourite pet qualities into one terrific animal. Hot new breeds include a Parrot / Persian / Mole that tells you where the rats are, then catches them and buries them on the golf course. For you country folks, how about a Goat / Cow / Cougar cross that mows the lawn, pours you a glass of milk, and keeps the deer from eating your azalea bush? Ask about our chimpanzee grooming premium, free with any five-breed cross!
www.mixnmatchpets.com

Kill your so-called friends.
You're a smoker, and by now you have tried to quit at least a dozen times, but still you pour hundreds of dollars each month into a filthy habit that ruins your health and makes you smell bad. So, why can't you quit? Because of your thoughtless friends, that's why. When you're on the brink, and your "friend" who has never before lent you a cigarette says, "Go ahead, have one. Just one won't hurt you." Sadly, your friend is a person who deserves to die, and your Zappo Lighter is there to help. Hold down the special Friend button when you're lighting their cigarette. Special Zappo-patented gases will seep into your "friend's" bloodstream, and that useless blob of thoughtlessness will be dead before sunrise. Problem over. Unlike your "friend", Zappo respects your right to quit.
www.zappo.com

Have your loved ones pixellated for posterity!
There's nothing that says, "Whatever you do, don't look like Nick Nolte" better than a pre-planned, selectively pixellated mug shot. Your criminally inclined loved ones will thank you from the moment they are cuffed and thrown into the back of a patrol car for thinking of them in their time of need. Pixel Pete's expert photographers will choose an appropriate shirt and jacket for the photo session, making sure your loved perp is showered, shaved, and made up just a little to hide any lesions or bruises. Then, back in the lab, our expert photoshoppers will alter just enough detail to cause workmates and school friends to have trouble identifying you. Your guilt is our secret!
www.pixelpete.com

Pet disguises can keep you out of court!
You may be one of those unlucky pet owners who live next door to people with a meticulous garden. If your unreasonable neighbour's prized rhododendron has gone missing, or if their expensive French lawn furniture has been shredded, they can suspect your dog or cat all they want ... but proving it in court is a horse of a different colour! Pete's Pet-O-Rama has thousands of attractive outfits that can completely alter the identity of your beloved pet, and save you thousands of dollars in needless litigation. Have your Cocker Spaniel fitted for a smart-looking Rottweiler costume, and your completely unreasonable neighbour is simply going to think there's a new stray dog in town. You can even make your cat look like a raccoon! The possibilities are endless. Ask about our Post-Hallowe'en Clearance specials!
www.petespetorama.com

Wedding ring rentals for busy brides and grooms.
Are you sure? Are you really sure? Of course you're not! But are you going to let that fabulous woman wander off with some other guy who's full of promises and so-called "sincerity"? No way! You're going to have to marry her, my friend. Trouble is, if you want her to continue believing you're wealthy and successful, you are going to have to come up with a set of pretty dazzling rings. Rent-A-Ring is the answer for today's ambitious-but-not-sure young narcissists who want to have their cake and eat it too. Ask about our reasonable weekly and monthly plans, and our unreasonable daily plans! Sorry, no long term contracts available for first-time renters.
www.rentaring.com

Self defense for all occasions.
Picture this: you are on your hands and knees in the kitchen trying to recover an olive that has rolled under the refrigerator. The lovely young lady in the living room, whom you would dearly love to see naked, has made it all too clear that a Martini without an olive is just a glass of Vodka. Suddenly a crazed jealous boyfriend, who is apparently well acquainted with your lady friend, bursts through the kitchen door brandishing a Roto-Tiller and a hungry Doberman Pinscher, and there can be no mistaking the fact that he plans to inflict grievous harm upon your body. What will you do? Students of InstaHarm know exactly what to do. Too bad you didn't enrol sooner, but it's never too late for next time. Call us from the hospital.
www.instaharm.com

The art of telling stories with body parts.
Most of you were children once, and those of you with parents might recall your Mom or Dad telling the story of "This Little Piggy" using your toes as the cast. It's a complex story involving marketing and atypical eating habits, and thus the use of body parts to keep track of the characters is both a practical mnemonic device and an effective presentation technique. Suppose for a minute, however, that you are in the company of an individual who could not only use a good story, but also appears to have some body parts that you would like to get to know better (not a child; that's just sick). Fairy Tail supplies credible stories for adventurous adults who wish to maximize their storytelling techniques. Free transcripts of "Humpme Dumpme" for the first 100 callers.
www.fairytail.com

University of Nigeria School of Economics
The Lagos campus of the University of Nigeria is now receiving applications from interested postgraduate students who wish to pursue careers in Chicanery, Deception, Speciousness, Scammery and Ponzi Schematics. The successful applicants will be squinty-eyed little bastards who would steal the crucifix from their Grandmother's open casket (or sholastic equivalent). Early consideration will be given to Telemarketers, Italians, dusky-skinned gypsy-like hucksters in cheap suits, licensed gypsies, and government Taxation Department workers. No early birds.
www.unl.com

Cook like the cons who cook like the pros!
Having guests over to sample your latest cooking triumph can be a real disappointment when they spot the McDonald's wrappers in the garbage. What to do about it? Throw out our specially printed Iron Chef wrappers instead. You're still guilty of cheating, but now they are impressed with the trouble you went to to cheat using the very best! Now available in Vegetarian!
www.conspros.com

Display those wonderful old body parts.
Men, do you wish you still had that cute, circular little piece of manhood they took off you just after you were born? You might have missed that opportunity, but don't miss the next one. Every body part has a story behind it, and The Parts Department is here to help you save all those stories for your loved ones. You can proudly display your appendix, your tonsils, even those fingertips that went missing in the table saw accident. All parts are lovingly preserved and suitably framed, but here's the best part: each display case includes a USB port that connects to any laptop, so you can show videos of the operation, or the car accident, even closeups of your sutures and dressings. Act now! The part you're sitting on may be the next thing that goes missing!
www.partsdepartment.com

Your calculus doesn't have to be drab.
Are you still using that dreary Liebnitz Notation to express your Fourier Series? Don't be surprised if the cool kids pelt you with their protractors and smash your lunch bag when you accidentally leave it on your desk, because they know there's a better way! Dr. Newton's Patented Calculus Implants can make both your integral and differential calculusses more perky and attractive! You'll be the star of all the math parties, and people will stop making fun of all those nerdy afflictions (acne, sweaty pits, etc.) that most math kids seem to have but the economics kids and the marketing kids somehow never seem to get. It all starts with an attractive, sexy calculus. Call today, and let's get started!
www.drnewton.com

Back up your life!
Ever thought what might happen if you accidentally got amnesia or you were struck by lightning? And let's not even talk about the aliens! Every day, seven or eight billion people run around living their lives without backing themselves up, when at any moment they could completely lose their minds. Don't let another day go by without backing yourself up. For two monthly payments of just $39.95 plus shipping and handling, DejaVooDoo will send you an external brain that you can keep in your sock drawer, and back up your life every day! Ask our representatives for our painless USB port installation kit. In your hair, in your nostril, even in some other place ... it's up to you!
www.dejavoodoo.com

Nobody else makes this stuff!
ShamCo is the world's leading supplier of obscure products for those rare occasions that make it possible for us to flog this stuff without testing it first. Now, for just $7.99 plus shipping and handling, you can own a set of actual bathroom scales identical to the ones used on all the Apollo flights. Made of sturdy cardboard with the with a large red "0" painted on the surface, these scales are guaranteed 100% accurate in outer space. Correct weight is shown in either Metric or Imperial measurement. Guaranteed to make you look slimmer than ever! While you're at it, ask about our MoonKite kits!
www.shamco.com

Is this Mister Copper Greebin?
Yes, Mr. Grafton, and how are you this evening? Mr. Gligfarb, my name is Montgomery, and I am calling with a special offer from Gigatel. Mr. Greebley, how much would you say you spend on long distance calls each month? Would you say it's in the $0 to $25 range, or the $25 to $50 range, or more than $50 a month? I completely understand that it is dinnertime, Mr. Gasbag, and I won't take any more of your time. Just one question, Mr. Glandular, if I could show you a long distance plan that would save you almost $700 a month, whether you phoned long distance or not, would you be intertested? I completely understand that you are not interested, Mr. Gwiffleburger, but perhaps if you could give me your address, I could send you several piles of pointless dreck at no cost to you. When would be a good time for one of our representatives to visit, Mr. Esterhazy?
www.feckoff.com

You can stuff your loved ones for eternity.
Most of us have suffered a tragic hunting accident in the family, resulting in the loss of a loved one. Today's enlightened hunters are discovering that it's both cost effective and tasteful to avoid all the nuisance of a funeral and a fancy burial, not to mention the the high cost of embalming, and simply have Daddy or Uncle Chester stuffed and mounted instead, so they can be at home in the living room forever. Skilled taxidermists can disguise those 'friendly fire' bullet holes in his forehead, or the antler gouges in his abdomen, so that Daddy looks perfectly natural in his easy chair during family get-togethers. Sit on his lap and stroke his Bushnell 40x scope while Daddy looks perfectly natural, just like he's bragging about his latest kill!
www.40xbushnell.com

Cook dinner while you drive, and save time.
Rush hour traffic can be a real bore, but now you can put that downtime to work. Our new GluvBoxStove is a four-burner, convection oven appliance that fits into a standard glove box, so you can whip up a nice Chicken Kiev on the turnpike, and even have a delicious dessert ready by the time you pull into the driveway. Your purchase includes free online recipes, so you can try some great new meals while you're cooking and driving. Don't waste another minute! Get tonight's three-course Highway Trout Almondine dinner started right now!
www.gluvboxstove.com

X-Treme Walkers on sale now!
If you're like most seniors, it takes you about 2 hours to get to the mall just to buy a fresh supply of Depends, and by the time you get home you've already used 3 of them. Well, no more! Our new line of inline roller walkers will get you to the mall and back in record time. Each walker comes with airbags and a timed memo that plugs into your hearing aid, to remind you where you were going. Winter's on the way, so be sure to ask about our snowboard adaptor. Comes with a heated shopping bag hook!
www.xtremewalker.com

Consider adopting your next egg.
Every day, thousands of normal looking eggs are purchased from egg stores around the world, but many have come from disreputable egg mills. They may have been mislaid at birth, or even have hidden inner cracks. Most have no medical record, and many have previously been used in Easter Egg hunts by unscrupulous kindergarten teachers. You can help prevent the tragedy of egg maltreatment by buying directly from the breeder, or by contacting your local SPCE. Caring agencies can help you select a healthy egg that will bring your family years of pleasure.
www.spce.com

Poison darts might be just what you need!
Has that special someone left you high and dry while she shags that security guard from WalMart? No wonder you're upset! And you probably know from your last relationship that guns are effective but noisy. There has to be a better answer ... and here it is! HoDarts are dipped in curare and will drop a 150 pound tart in less that 20 seconds, or your money back. They come six to a pack, so your future is guaranteed. Teach that cheating bimbo a lesson, once and for all. Free list of nearby pubs if you call now, so you can practice your aim for the big day!
www.hodarts.com

Your call is important to you.
Callers will be serviced in the order they are received. Please stay on the line, as getting off can be slower if you redial. If you are calling about genitals, please press one. If you are calling about breasts, please press both. If you are calling about a threesome, this should be treated as a greed emergency. Please hang up and dial 3-3-3, as your requests will be handled faster. If you wish to stay on the line, please listen to the operator's instructions as you may be able to handle your own problems. Thank you for calling OffSite.
www.offsite.com

Try Blues-O-Matic for instant misery
Being a songwriter is a tough job, and getting into the right mood for the perfect lyrics can be a real chore. But if the Blues is your genre, you're in luck! Simply clamp the Blues-O-Matic alligator clips to a tender, sensitive part of your body and turn the dial. You'll be miserable in seconds! If it's a simple "I'm weary all o' the time", set it to 3 and start writing. But if yo' baby left you 'cause you like de whiskey an' yo' dawg jes' up an' died, better turn on the tape recorder and set it to 10. You'll be blue for the rest of the year!
www.bluesomatic.com

Improve your sex life with football!
You're sitting on a faux-leather recliner with a TV remote in one hand, and a tube of Pringles in the other. Meantime, the quarterback you're watching is standing behind the Center, his hands between his teammate's muscular, taut thighs and his field of vision dominated by a shimmering, paper-thin pair of football pants that show every nuance and contour of the massive lineman's steroid-filled quivering buttocks. In a nutshell: you're getting fat, and the millionaire on TV is getting some action. Okay, it's guy-on-guy, but it's a start. You should try that.
www.nfl.com

No smoking
No burning. Close cover before striking. In case of fire, get wet and leave the premises as quickly as possible. Management is not responsible for getting that yellow crap off your fingers. The Marlboro Man has a tumour. If people were meant to smoke, they would probably spend thousands of dollars each year on cigarettes in order to smell bad, shorten their lives, and guarantee themselves an unpleasant death. In an emergency, mashed potatoes make an excellent ashtray.
www.marlboro.com

Happy Birthday!
If you're going to be a new mom soon, there's no better way to preserve the moment than by bronzing your placenta. Plan ahead! Your Educational Savings Account is going to look pretty silly in 20 years when your child is bagging groceries at IGA, so why not spend it now? Your bronze placenta can be engraved with Daddy's name, the year and model of the pickup truck where your 'blessed event' was conceived, and even a replica of the condom that Daddy should have been wearing if he were a little more thoughtful. Call today, before mat leave takes all your savings!
www.bronzeplacenta.com

How's your bird?
Still getting a nice healthy quack out of your duck? Good for you! But not everyone is so lucky. If you find your mallard isn't filling the bill lately, maybe you need a shot of EiderUp. Check your feathers. Try preening in the shower. And if all that fiddling with yourself gets feathers in your pecker, you'd better call us. You might be sinking fast.
www.eiderup.com

Road kill recipes for the freeway
It's easy surviving in the country. Their drivers are just as bad as city drivers, and there are all kinds of animals wandering around on their highways, including some that you'll probably be getting served later this week at McDonald's! But in the city there's less roadkill, and the critters are smaller. That's why you need to be able to whup up a mess of tasty vittles in any situation, whether you recognize the corpse or not. Get your copy of "killer Lunches" today, and don't pass up another curbside picnic!
www.killerlunches.com

Even young, fit people use Sag-B-Gon!
No matter how young you are, or how much you can bench press, you've got something that hangs there for everyone to see, and it bugs you. Maybe it's your gut, maybe it's wattles, maybe it's your manparts, maybe it's your breasts, maybe it's your hair, maybe it's your bottom lip, maybe it's your kneecaps, maybe it's your necktie, maybe it's that fleshy piece under your biceps, maybe it's your bum, maybe it's your tongue, maybe it's your pierced labium, maybe it's your socks. We can tape that sucker up so it doesn't bug you any more.
www.sagbgon.com

Have you been checked for snakes?
Many of the better restaurants (and all of the crappy ones) no longer allow their patrons to have their pet snakes accompany them to dinner, even though most snakes are quite well behaved and have actually been known to snag the occasional wayward rodent that has escaped the Health Inspector's attention. If you have a fancy dinner planned, better let one of our experts give you a full body search before the big event. Some of those sneaky Anacondas can hide in the craziest places! September Special: free Wildebeesat scan!
www.snakecheck.com

You too can be a famous codger!
If you're over eighty, and even your ear hair has liverspots, you could be the latest Famous Codger. All you need is a bit of incontinence and a weird thing that only old people do. Wilford Brimley has the moustache, Katherine Hepburn kind of vibrates* all the time (*vibrated; RIP, Katherine), and maybe it's your tappy foot or your endearing drool that will propel you to Codger Stardom. Call us for a screen test. Better do it soon!
www.codgeridol.com

The X-rated hedge you've always wanted!
You're a gardener, and you've always wanted a bush in the front that looks exactly like ... well, exactly like a bush in the front. But short of having your girlfriend pose in the yard on pruning day while you fiddle around with the shears, how can you, the artistic gardener, nurture that pornographic azalea so your postman comes by to deliver the mail six times a day? Nudodendron's your answer! Call us for a free root assessment!
www.nudodendron.com

What is Alex Trebek?
I'll take "Know-it-all snotty snots with bad moustaches" for a buck forty-nine, Alex. What is it with your show? You get bright people to play, all Mensa-y and smart, and then you make them play "Simon Says" when they answer. What is that, Alex? I'll take "Childish" for a sure bet.
www.whatis.com

Can't remember your sexual orientation?.
These days, it takes a Personal Assistant to remind you which sex you're most attracted to. And with the number of sexes increasing steadily, you're in danger of leaping into the kip with somebody whose sex is not only hard to describe, but might result in some kind of horizontal limbo that could herniate your disk. Do you want that? No, only Anne Heche wants that. BonkAccountants will help you get over those embarrassing intimacies, and keep you on the straight (if that's what you want) and narrow (if that's what you want).
www.bonkaccountants.com

You don't have to take that crap.
"Honestly, what planet did this moron come from? He is a piece of work, that's for sure, sitting there with his elbow halfway up his arm, acting like he can breathe the same air as me. Let me know when you're exhaling, birdbrain, and I'll leave the room!" We all know this guy, and we despise him just as much as you do. And that's why you don't have to take any more of his crap, because we'll take it for you. Call us, and we'll shove that sunlight right back up his ass where it belongs. Ask about our special Married package!
www.pieceofwork.com

Let me know when you're feeling better.
Hey, why the long face? Disaster? It almost killed 'er! Take my wife ... please. How many is a Brazilian? What am I supposed to do with a 10-inch pianist? A frog in a blender. The doctor says you're going to die. I'm hiding in the hall closet. Super-calloused, fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis. Because he was stapled to the chicken. Let's take another look at those bridge blueprints. I was talking to the pig. You see, nobody cares about the Jews. We have a cream for that. Okay, he's dead. What's next?
www.punchlines.com

Plundering can put a strain on your food budget.
Nothing makes a Visigoth hungrier than a long day of raping and pillaging, and your man deserves the best raw meat on the market. But what about his throwing food? That leg of mutton that's playfully tossed at the Mead Wench doesn't actually have to be sheep. After all, those sheep cost a pretty penny! What's wrong with tossing a beaver leg? Your drunken friends can't tell the difference, it's lighter for easier tossing, and best of all, it's cheap. We're the Dark Ages' leading supplier of tossing food, so invite us to your next banquet. You won't be sorry!
www.tossabeaver.com

Saturday, November 06, 2010

I bet Hell is open.

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