Cooper Green

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Mr. Green;

My client, Jozef Ratzinger (aka Pope) wonders if you have ever heard the phrase 'eternal damnation'. Also, he wishes to suggest that you never utter another word, any word, to anyone ever again. Are we clear? Nod twice for yes.

Yours truly,
Swanee Chickpea Gloria Dross-Hammer
Attorney At Law

3 comments:

Simon Butler said...: I don’t think the ‘eternal damnation’ thing was necessary. Just ‘are you familiar with the phrase ‘God smote him.’? It’s more immediate.; April 13, 2010 at 2:27 AM
Some Guy said...: This firm sure has a bunch of ball-busters working at it. Pay them no mind, CG.; April 13, 2010 at 4:17 PM
Cooper Green said...: Smoting ... damnation ... they both seem kind of negative. Chris, I'm just glad they all deal with the same firm.; April 13, 2010 at 7:20 PM

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Edit your dreams, and stop being such a twit.
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Take control of your nose.
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Express yourself through your pants!
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Boost your monthly income with PetRent!
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Your Smart Car needs a light bar.
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Stop worrying about all that incriminating evidence!
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Foil those homework thieves!
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Mix-n-Match pets.
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Kill your so-called friends.
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Have your loved ones pixellated for posterity!
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Pet disguises can keep you out of court!
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Self defense for all occasions.
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The art of telling stories with body parts.
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University of Nigeria School of Economics
The Lagos campus of the University of Nigeria is now receiving applications from interested postgraduate students who wish to pursue careers in Chicanery, Deception, Speciousness, Scammery and Ponzi Schematics. The successful applicants will be squinty-eyed little bastards who would steal the crucifix from their Grandmother's open casket (or sholastic equivalent). Early consideration will be given to Telemarketers, Italians, dusky-skinned gypsy-like hucksters in cheap suits, licensed gypsies, and government Taxation Department workers. No early birds.
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Cook like the cons who cook like the pros!
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Display those wonderful old body parts.
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Your calculus doesn't have to be drab.
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Back up your life!
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Nobody else makes this stuff!
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Is this Mister Copper Greebin?
Yes, Mr. Grafton, and how are you this evening? Mr. Gligfarb, my name is Montgomery, and I am calling with a special offer from Gigatel. Mr. Greebley, how much would you say you spend on long distance calls each month? Would you say it's in the $0 to $25 range, or the $25 to $50 range, or more than $50 a month? I completely understand that it is dinnertime, Mr. Gasbag, and I won't take any more of your time. Just one question, Mr. Glandular, if I could show you a long distance plan that would save you almost $700 a month, whether you phoned long distance or not, would you be intertested? I completely understand that you are not interested, Mr. Gwiffleburger, but perhaps if you could give me your address, I could send you several piles of pointless dreck at no cost to you. When would be a good time for one of our representatives to visit, Mr. Esterhazy?
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You can stuff your loved ones for eternity.
Most of us have suffered a tragic hunting accident in the family, resulting in the loss of a loved one. Today's enlightened hunters are discovering that it's both cost effective and tasteful to avoid all the nuisance of a funeral and a fancy burial, not to mention the the high cost of embalming, and simply have Daddy or Uncle Chester stuffed and mounted instead, so they can be at home in the living room forever. Skilled taxidermists can disguise those 'friendly fire' bullet holes in his forehead, or the antler gouges in his abdomen, so that Daddy looks perfectly natural in his easy chair during family get-togethers. Sit on his lap and stroke his Bushnell 40x scope while Daddy looks perfectly natural, just like he's bragging about his latest kill!
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Cook dinner while you drive, and save time.
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X-Treme Walkers on sale now!
If you're like most seniors, it takes you about 2 hours to get to the mall just to buy a fresh supply of Depends, and by the time you get home you've already used 3 of them. Well, no more! Our new line of inline roller walkers will get you to the mall and back in record time. Each walker comes with airbags and a timed memo that plugs into your hearing aid, to remind you where you were going. Winter's on the way, so be sure to ask about our snowboard adaptor. Comes with a heated shopping bag hook!
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Consider adopting your next egg.
Every day, thousands of normal looking eggs are purchased from egg stores around the world, but many have come from disreputable egg mills. They may have been mislaid at birth, or even have hidden inner cracks. Most have no medical record, and many have previously been used in Easter Egg hunts by unscrupulous kindergarten teachers. You can help prevent the tragedy of egg maltreatment by buying directly from the breeder, or by contacting your local SPCE. Caring agencies can help you select a healthy egg that will bring your family years of pleasure.
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Poison darts might be just what you need!
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Your call is important to you.
Callers will be serviced in the order they are received. Please stay on the line, as getting off can be slower if you redial. If you are calling about genitals, please press one. If you are calling about breasts, please press both. If you are calling about a threesome, this should be treated as a greed emergency. Please hang up and dial 3-3-3, as your requests will be handled faster. If you wish to stay on the line, please listen to the operator's instructions as you may be able to handle your own problems. Thank you for calling OffSite.
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Try Blues-O-Matic for instant misery
Being a songwriter is a tough job, and getting into the right mood for the perfect lyrics can be a real chore. But if the Blues is your genre, you're in luck! Simply clamp the Blues-O-Matic alligator clips to a tender, sensitive part of your body and turn the dial. You'll be miserable in seconds! If it's a simple "I'm weary all o' the time", set it to 3 and start writing. But if yo' baby left you 'cause you like de whiskey an' yo' dawg jes' up an' died, better turn on the tape recorder and set it to 10. You'll be blue for the rest of the year!
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Improve your sex life with football!
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No smoking
No burning. Close cover before striking. In case of fire, get wet and leave the premises as quickly as possible. Management is not responsible for getting that yellow crap off your fingers. The Marlboro Man has a tumour. If people were meant to smoke, they would probably spend thousands of dollars each year on cigarettes in order to smell bad, shorten their lives, and guarantee themselves an unpleasant death. In an emergency, mashed potatoes make an excellent ashtray.
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Happy Birthday!
If you're going to be a new mom soon, there's no better way to preserve the moment than by bronzing your placenta. Plan ahead! Your Educational Savings Account is going to look pretty silly in 20 years when your child is bagging groceries at IGA, so why not spend it now? Your bronze placenta can be engraved with Daddy's name, the year and model of the pickup truck where your 'blessed event' was conceived, and even a replica of the condom that Daddy should have been wearing if he were a little more thoughtful. Call today, before mat leave takes all your savings!
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How's your bird?
Still getting a nice healthy quack out of your duck? Good for you! But not everyone is so lucky. If you find your mallard isn't filling the bill lately, maybe you need a shot of EiderUp. Check your feathers. Try preening in the shower. And if all that fiddling with yourself gets feathers in your pecker, you'd better call us. You might be sinking fast.
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Road kill recipes for the freeway
It's easy surviving in the country. Their drivers are just as bad as city drivers, and there are all kinds of animals wandering around on their highways, including some that you'll probably be getting served later this week at McDonald's! But in the city there's less roadkill, and the critters are smaller. That's why you need to be able to whup up a mess of tasty vittles in any situation, whether you recognize the corpse or not. Get your copy of "killer Lunches" today, and don't pass up another curbside picnic!
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Even young, fit people use Sag-B-Gon!
No matter how young you are, or how much you can bench press, you've got something that hangs there for everyone to see, and it bugs you. Maybe it's your gut, maybe it's wattles, maybe it's your manparts, maybe it's your breasts, maybe it's your hair, maybe it's your bottom lip, maybe it's your kneecaps, maybe it's your necktie, maybe it's that fleshy piece under your biceps, maybe it's your bum, maybe it's your tongue, maybe it's your pierced labium, maybe it's your socks. We can tape that sucker up so it doesn't bug you any more.
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Have you been checked for snakes?
Many of the better restaurants (and all of the crappy ones) no longer allow their patrons to have their pet snakes accompany them to dinner, even though most snakes are quite well behaved and have actually been known to snag the occasional wayward rodent that has escaped the Health Inspector's attention. If you have a fancy dinner planned, better let one of our experts give you a full body search before the big event. Some of those sneaky Anacondas can hide in the craziest places! September Special: free Wildebeesat scan!
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You too can be a famous codger!
If you're over eighty, and even your ear hair has liverspots, you could be the latest Famous Codger. All you need is a bit of incontinence and a weird thing that only old people do. Wilford Brimley has the moustache, Katherine Hepburn kind of vibrates* all the time (*vibrated; RIP, Katherine), and maybe it's your tappy foot or your endearing drool that will propel you to Codger Stardom. Call us for a screen test. Better do it soon!
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The X-rated hedge you've always wanted!
You're a gardener, and you've always wanted a bush in the front that looks exactly like ... well, exactly like a bush in the front. But short of having your girlfriend pose in the yard on pruning day while you fiddle around with the shears, how can you, the artistic gardener, nurture that pornographic azalea so your postman comes by to deliver the mail six times a day? Nudodendron's your answer! Call us for a free root assessment!
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What is Alex Trebek?
I'll take "Know-it-all snotty snots with bad moustaches" for a buck forty-nine, Alex. What is it with your show? You get bright people to play, all Mensa-y and smart, and then you make them play "Simon Says" when they answer. What is that, Alex? I'll take "Childish" for a sure bet.
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Can't remember your sexual orientation?.
These days, it takes a Personal Assistant to remind you which sex you're most attracted to. And with the number of sexes increasing steadily, you're in danger of leaping into the kip with somebody whose sex is not only hard to describe, but might result in some kind of horizontal limbo that could herniate your disk. Do you want that? No, only Anne Heche wants that. BonkAccountants will help you get over those embarrassing intimacies, and keep you on the straight (if that's what you want) and narrow (if that's what you want).
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You don't have to take that crap.
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Let me know when you're feeling better.
Hey, why the long face? Disaster? It almost killed 'er! Take my wife ... please. How many is a Brazilian? What am I supposed to do with a 10-inch pianist? A frog in a blender. The doctor says you're going to die. I'm hiding in the hall closet. Super-calloused, fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis. Because he was stapled to the chicken. Let's take another look at those bridge blueprints. I was talking to the pig. You see, nobody cares about the Jews. We have a cream for that. Okay, he's dead. What's next?
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Plundering can put a strain on your food budget.
Nothing makes a Visigoth hungrier than a long day of raping and pillaging, and your man deserves the best raw meat on the market. But what about his throwing food? That leg of mutton that's playfully tossed at the Mead Wench doesn't actually have to be sheep. After all, those sheep cost a pretty penny! What's wrong with tossing a beaver leg? Your drunken friends can't tell the difference, it's lighter for easier tossing, and best of all, it's cheap. We're the Dark Ages' leading supplier of tossing food, so invite us to your next banquet. You won't be sorry!
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Tuesday, April 13, 2010

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