Saturday, August 07, 2010
Green Family Reunion: a happy ending.
What a shocker! Just as the judges announced the three finalists in the Miss Green Family Bikini Pageant (put your hands together for Nieces Beulah, Gaga and Fellatio!) all hell broke loose. Nephew Sherwood burst onto the stage, pushed the ladies aside and snatched the microphone from the emcee (Uncle Dwayne, the dentist) and shouted, "Attention Scrunt's Ear Gang mercenaries! We are Code Bitchy!! Assume your shooty-killy positions! The Scrunt is in the house!" The two Kevins leaped on the stage, looking pretty darn bitchy; you could tell they had been practicing. They snarled a bit for the kids, then assumed their shooty-killy positions and tried to look Jack Bauer-ish. From a distance, you would have sworn their fingers were loaded. Nobody moved. The tension was palpable. Uncle Dwayne's eyes never left Niece Fellatio, but he was the exception. Everyone else, filling the softball field as far as the eye could see, scanned the crowd in hopes of spotting the legendary Serbian assassin. Suddenly, a cry from the Visitor's dugout: "Jenny's got her! Jenny's got her!!"
Sure enough, the Green family's career slut had confronted The Scrunt, who was cleverly dressed in a gorilla suit and pretending to be interested in a dish of bananas in the Green Canteen. Jennifer had just taken something toxic, and was not to be taken lightly. She confronted the ruthless assassin, de-banana'd her, slammed her into the batting cage, and was now applying a stepover toe-hold to the 83-year old killer granny's windpipe. Cousin Hester slapped a three-count on the dugout steps, declaring a win in one fall. The crowd went wild, swarming the dugout to celebrate Jenny's takedown. Everyone was cheering and clapping, and Uncle Dwayne took the opportunity to pat Fellatio's bum. Nephews Bald Kevin and Short Kevin handcuffed The Scrunt, and decided that cutting off her ear might put a damper on things. Instead, they spent a minute or two doing some fairly impressive Japanese-type moves that they had seen in The Karate Kid, then whacked The Scrunt with a batting helmet and called the police.
Meantime, Nephew Sherwood had discovered Aunt Chantelle hiding in her room. As the cranky old broad was dragging herself out from under the bed, Sherwood brought some balance to this portion of the narrative by experiencing some momentary feelings of genuine sympathy for his second Aunt, who had just lost her brother a few days ago and was now the last surviving Green (of the Saskatoon Greens). But he reminded himself that this old hag under the bed had hired a liverspotted Serb grandmother to try and murder his soulmate Hester. Sherwood called his sister Myra, a nurse, on her cellphone. "Meet me on the ball field, Myra. Bring your special stuff."
Cousin Myra knew just what the situation called for. She pumped enough turkey gravy up Chantelle's hoop that she would smell like Christmas dinner for all of this life and most of the next. Exactly why Myra had packed six litres of turkey gravy to a family reunion isn't clear yet, but I suppose all of us Greens have a few secrets.
by Cooper Green
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- ▼ August (28)