Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Green Family Reunion: the new babies

During our occasional Green Family reunions, Tuesday is traditionally set aside for the Green Family Baby Pageant. And, what a departure from our previous reunion in 2007 when there were 17 new Green offspring under a year of age. This year, we managed just three! But they were little cuties just the same, even including cousin Elizabeth's baby Wanda who can hardly be expected to take the blame for not being emptied prior to the Photo Session. Creative little Wanda discovered that side-to-side rocking was sufficient to expel generous portions of her suffocating poop through the leg openings of her diaper.



Second Cousin Jennifer volunteered an interesting take on the lack of procreation since the last Green Family Reunion. An active and aggressive slut with substance abuse issues, Jenny's looks are leaving her faster than the flies are arriving. But she had been passably attractive as recently as last year, and was quick to assure all of us that the lack of babies was not for lack of fornication amongst the Green females. Rather, she expressed disappointment in the male Greens whose lusty urges were intact, but whose overuse of steroids and growth hormones were preventing them from being much use at all in the sack. Jennifer even speculated that this might be the last crop of babies we see at a Green reunion.



On that sobering note, the photo session went considerably longer as we contemplated the diminishing presence of Green newborns in tomorrow's world. It also provided Wanda with a chance to dig out every last morsel of poop in her diaper, and create a shit diorama of staggering scope and energy.

Later this week is the Miss Green Family Beauty Pageant, always a treat, and as usual the frisky male Greens can hardly wait to ogle at their sisters, nieces, cousins and daughters. I'm pleased to report that Cousin Hester's recent travails have forced her to reconsider competing. She has promised to look after the deep fried Mars Bar concession instead, which is much more suited to her talents. The unpleasant images and events surrounding the passing and dramatic departure of Uncle Preston seem to have faded quickly, although I must admit feeling that there is an ominous sense of foreboding that seems to accompany all our family events: the midget toss, the three-legged race and the Parcheesi tournament all seem to have had an air of uncertainty about them.

There goes my imagination. I'll be sure to give you another update later in the week, so stay tuned.

12 comments:

Scott Oglesby said...

I’m glad that you all seem to be enjoying yourselves. If only I had some living relatives who weren’t serving life sentences in Juliet under RICO statutes….

I do hate to ask but is your cousin Jennifer available? I love a hideously ugly chick with substance abuse issues.

Friggin said...

Oh dear god Cooper Green it isn't too late to change your name and get the hell out of there. HURRY!!!

Psst friggin blogger still won't let me use wordpress id ...bastards

Cooper Green said...

Funny you should ask, Scott. She's serving a life sentence in Joliet under the RICO statute.

Friggin', I plan to stick around for as long as it's interesting and my life isn't in danger. My relatives are like a car wreck. It's hard to look away, no matter how horrible it is.

Hey, all you Wordpressers out there. Is anybody else having the same problems as The Loon? Not that I can do anything about it, but everybody likes a survey.

Sans Pantaloons said...

The Lady I buy my deep fried Mars bar from looks somewhat like your cousin Jenny.
But then, I'm always blind drunk when I buy a deep fried Mars bar.

PS, the mess is as bad as Wanda the morning after. I'll post pictures!

Cooper Green said...

Sans, you've got pictures of yourself blind drunk with deep fried Mars Bars? Post them now! Post them now!!

Duncanr said...

for what it's worth, I gave up a long time ago trying to get Wordpress Open ID to work when submitting comments to a site hosted on Blogger. The problem is not specific to your site - happens when I try to post to any blogger site, which is why I use the name/url option.

Always thought the problem must be down to my own failings (too thick to get it to work). Nice to know I'm not the only one and that there's another dumbass out there (you can see why loon and I are bottom-dwellers)

Duncanr said...

Ah, deep fried mars bars - ye cannae whack 'em !!!

nursemyra said...

your cousin scares the beejeezus out of me

Ron-Yves said...

Testing...1, 2, 3...

Ron-Yves said...

Woo-Hoo...I was just about to post about how I've been unable to comment on Blogger blogs for about 9 days now...Problem fixed apparently...

It's nice to be back---your posts are always funny as Hell...

For some reason, that Dotty one is still my favorite...

Cheers!

Friggin Loon said...

Nope, still not working. Have to use name/url

Cooper Green said...

Dunc, I just tried whacking my Mars Bar. I think you're right. And even if you're not, I don't plan to do that again.

I'm with you, Myra, my cousin scares me to death too. Which cousin are you talking about?

Just checking, Ron-Yves: yes, there are definitely three dots after the 3. Seems to be working. Oh, and thanks for the woo-hoo. I'm saving all of them for bronzing later.

That's a drag, Friggin, I don't get it. Why not have a toke of RYS's woohoo, then clear your cache, reboot and try again? FYI, I have to sign in to Blogger every time I open it, or I have to do the whole name/url/wv thing as well, on my own frickin' blog. There are imperfections, it seems.